I don’t care what you may say about it at the beginning. Talk about it, say everything, laugh, jeer, be horrified, and let it all out. Let your civilised mind have its say – as cleverly and as mockingly as possible. Call it all a pathology, revulsion, wherever. Talk it out, get it over with.
And then do this anyway.
Wait for a time when you are alone and nobody’s going to disturb you, the telephone is off and no-one’s able to get at you. Leave the light on, dimmed, but on. And then, take a chair, no, not a stool, take something a little more royal, like an armchair with a back and arms. Put it up against a mirror, a little way away. Sit in it and close your eyes.
Feel how the blood circulates in your body, how the juices flow, just below your skin, the beat, the breath. Listen to it all, who cares if the thoughts come, let them come, and go. You remain within yourself. Get up. Remain there, inside yourself, in your world without words, if you’re being pulled out, pull yourself back in, listen to your breath with your inner ear, your insides, being inside.
Now, take off all your clothes, sit back in the chair and put your legs on the arms. Move your hips so that you can see your flower, your secret lips, and lift your head so that you can see your eyes in the mirror. Now look. Look at your vagina, yoni, flower, vulva, pussy, call it what you will. But call it nicely, speak to it kindly, with dignity, leave space for a miracle.
Just look. Into your eyes, then at the flower. Be amazed, that there’s a hole inside you, that nature has designed it. For heaven’s sake, allow yourself to be amazed! Laugh, smile at yourself, yep, this is crazy, so it is. You are sitting in a chair with your legs spread, facing a mirror and you are staring at your vagina, at something you never see, just feel, that is what it is – that which enjoys, bleeds, hurts, revolts you, takes you to the heavens, closes off. It’s not normal, which is exactly why it’s so normal. Of course it’s completely perverse and that is exactly why its life.
Keep looking, for a long time, let some feelings well up, let them, let interest come. Develop some interest, then let it go. Let arousal come, let it come and then go. Let sadness, anger, joy, fear, love, darkness, alienation, closeness, come.
If you keep looking for a while, yes, get comfortable, you’ll be here for a while. When you keep looking for a while, you will see the essence of the essence, the key. It’s possible that ancient world creation myths will flash through you, you will see tribes and peoples who have seen the divine in there, in that hole of yours that you have left belittled and distanced. Don’t be afraid to feel afraid. And also don’t be afraid of the dizzying, powerful, ancient feeling that will awaken in you, don’t be afraid of the strength, don’t confuse it with power. It’s truly you, seen through your own body.
After that you can look at your hand, at your nails, at your nose, one eye. And see, that the universe is always within you, through you, in your cells, pulsating, fluids, gases, juices, full of mud.
And then, in your daily life, take the courage to look at what your body creates, what it secretes. So many world creation myths start with God creating the world from himself – from his faeces, droplets of blood, sperm, urine. The Egyptian Atum started the whole Universe by masturbating and creating the continuation from his sperm. The Kodiak islands northern Goddess created the world by urinating.
And thus, rivers, lakes, swamps and oceans were created. It’s the first, touchable form of creation – from you, something comes from you, re-forms, is created. Appreciate it, investigate it, what are these processes in you, it’s possible they speak of the creation of your own spirit, about your relationship with the world. Where something may be stuck, where something is made and flows. You’ve been told that it’s unimportant, that it’s shameful, that it’s revolting, vile, that it’s only biological. But you search, and search and find God, in your own body.
Take that chair again.
Again, and again.
Flow, celebrate, yourself, be yourself.
Go through yourself, feel the door that you need to go through to get to your soul, those forests, mountains, gullies, the noise, that’s there inside, in the sparkling darkness that protects your soul.
Put the chair there for HIM too.